How To Heckle Tony Gwynn, Jr

"Hey, Gwynn...your dad was a good player."

I tried this out last night in the centerfield bleachers at the Giants/Dodgers game.

How To Heckle Jason Bay and Others Who Wear #44

I sat in the front row of the left field bleachers a few nights ago at the Giants game vs. the Mets. The Mets left fielder was Jason Bay, and he was wearing that special uniform number, 44. Forty four is a special number because of the hall of fame sluggers that have worn it in the past. Hank Aaron wore it and was a great young player. Willie McCovey, being from the same hometown of Mobile, Alabama, wore it when he broke in with the Giants because Aaron was his idol. McCovey was a rookie in 1959, five years after Aaron. Later, in the 70's, Reggie Jackson adopted the number when he signed with the Yankees. He kept it with the Angels and during his last year back with the A's.

Forty four is one of those hallowed numbers that players respect. Players know who has worn it in the past. So when a player takes 44, he's treading on ground that demands something from him. He needs to turn out to be a superstar.

So, the heckling line is this: "Hey, 44, who do you think you are? There's Hank Aaron, Willie McCovey, Reggie Jackson, and you?"

Jason Bay heard it from a #44 apologist.

How To Heckle - Saving My Voice By Discerning The Crowd

I learned how to heckle and was at the top of my heckling game during bad times for the teams I followed. The Giants and A's were both bad in the early and mid 80's. When the crowd is small, heckling is easy because everybody can hear you. But when there is a large crowd it is more difficult because the ambient crowd noise is so great. When your team is winning and all the games are sold out, it's usually loud out there.

Sometimes for large crowds, I would get a feel for how a crowd reacted to heckling. If the crowd were noisy enough, my strategy changed from yelling loud to getting others to do the yelling for me. If there were enough instant-asshole-just-add-water types around me, I would yell (unexpectedly for them because they weren't regulars there) at a player. Those fans would laugh. I would yell again, and if any of the other regulars added something, those fans figured out that yelling at the visiting player was a community thing and they joined in. Instead of yelling louder to overcome the crowd noise, I could save my voice for the next game by getting others to do it for me.

How To Heckle - Pitchers Named McDonald

The last series of the regular season saw the Giants play the Dodgers. Friday night Giants/Dodgers games are always extra rowdy with lively crowds. Heckling is at its height. Late in the game, the Dodgers had quite a few pitchers warming up in the bullpen. One pitcher got up to throw, and his name was James McDonald. McDonald? This name was ripe for heckling.

Think of the cultural things surrounding McDonald. In children's nursery rhymes, he owned a farm. Think also Big Macs and clowns named Ronald. But Mike, Dan (he sits behind us - I'll write about him later) and I quickly came up with a chant about sending him down to the minors. Mike: "Send McDonald to the farm", Dan: "E-I-E-I-Oooo" (repeat), Me: "With an Albuquerque here and an Albuquerque there, here an Albuquerque, there an Albuquerque, everywhere an Albuquerque". "Send McDonald to the farm, E-I-E-I-Oooo!" Okay, Albuquerque is no longer their AAA team, but it was for so long that it doesn't matter.

How To Heckle - Umpires As Targets

Heckling isn't limited to targeting opposing players. Umpires can be equally good targets. What's usually needed, though, in the case of umpires is a blown call or a bad attitude in ejecting somebody. It is tradition in baseball to yell, "Kill the umpire!" - a tradition that has fallen on hard times these past few decades. Umpires are frequently referred to as "Blue." That they have most often worn black shows that the term started during a period where blue was king. Umps in my company softball league used to wear red shirts and black pants but we still called them "blue." Go figure.

Eyesight is the most often maligned attribute of an umpire. I read an account once where a ballpark organist was ejected for playing "Three Blind Mice" after a disputed call. One traditional heckle goes like this, "Hey, ump, if you had another eye you'd be a cyclops!" Another less popular says, "Hey, blue, you're missing a good game; Giants and Cardinals at Candlestick!" I used to yell, "Hey, ump, turn around and watch the game!"

The centerfield bleacher bums in Oakland, when the umpires were announced before the game, used to collectively yell, "Oh, no!" after each umpire's name. Their favorite target was rotund AL ump Ken Kaiser, for whom they would yell, "OH, NOOOO!"

How To Heckle - Developing Your Voice

I started heckling early on in my life. I attended games every so often, and after a game of yelling, my voice was often hoarse. When I started attending games almost every day, I realized that my voice wouldn't handle it. There's nothing more embarrassing to the prime heckler in the bleachers than to have lost his voice. So I started experimenting with my voice and training it.

I once heard an ad for voice training for would be stock traders. These guys spend all day on the floor of the stock exchange yelling prices. This class would help train their voices for maximum volume at extended times of yelling. I dreamed of joining that class and showing up the first day not wearing a suit or collared shirt, but a ripped up t-shirt and faded ball cap.

I paid attention to airflow, vocal strain, projection, tone and many other factors. You could say I was self-trained in yelling. I maximized my voice so that I could yell very loud for nine innings every day. It paid off. To this day, I've only met two people with louder yelling voices than mine.

One A's double header vs. the Twins I started yelling at the Twins left fielder, constantly and loudly. There were some Twins fans sitting nearby who were a bit forcibly unimpressed with my heckling. They explained to me that I would lose my voice in just a few innings. To my surprise, several of the bums around me exclaimed, "No he won't!" One of the games went extra innings, and the left fielder had as bad a day as he could, going 0 for 11. Some day when I become rich, I'll start a class on heckling voice lessons.

How To Heckle An Umpire Using A New iPhone

Last night at the Giants/Brewers game, there was a bad call made by the first base ump on a grounder to first covered by the pitcher. I was in the men's room, and they have the radio broadcast going in there. The announcers saw the replay and said the ump blew it. Once back at my seats, my friend Mike pulled out his brand new iPhone and somehow within a few clicks found a replay of the bad call. We watched several times, and yes, the ump did blow it. It was reminiscent of Don Denkinger's bad call in the '85 Series. Nora suggested that umps should have the benefit of iPhones. So I told her I'd heckle the ump, Jerry Davis if I remember correctly.

CC Sabathia dominated the Giants and threw a complete game 4-hitter, so there were no bullpen pitchers to heckle. So I stood up, and in the loudest voice I could force out, I yelled, "Hey, ump! You blew that call! We watched the replay on the new iPhone, and he was out! He was out! He was out! You blew the call! You're a bum!" This was a complete verbal thrashing of the umpire.

It was extremely loud, and I felt very dizzy and almost passed out. I'm sure half our side of the stadium heard it, many people cheered, and I even got a high five. My voice was ruined for today's game, too. Innings later, I could hear people talking about checking an iPhone to see replays of things.

Umpires are not exempt by any means from heckling, and I've enjoyed it over the years. I've never gone far enough to be tossed out of the game by the umpire (yes, they do have the ability to eject fans), but I may have come close a few times.

How To Heckle A Tampa Bay Player

Well, the Tampa Bay Rays have the best record in baseball at the moment. But, before now they've always sucked, they're the only team in baseball to never make the playoffs, and they're the butt of all kinds of jokes.

I've heckled Tampa Bay pitchers warming up in the bullpen like this: "Hey, [player's name], at least you can't be traded to Tampa Bay!" For some reason, people find this hilarious.

How To Heckle The Astros Bullpen

"Hey, Wright, did you inject Roger Clemens?"

How To Heckle - Knowing The Minor Leagues

Knowing the minor league teams of the visiting team can be useful for heckling their players. A young or inexperienced player can be needled by reminding him that he is only one screwup from being sent down to the minors. Ahhh, yes, the minor leagues. Long bus rides and cheap motels. A far cry from the big show. Once back in the minors, it's a long way back to the majors.

"Hey, Johnson, can you spell 'Albuquerque'?" Or maybe, "It's a looooong bus ride back to Bakersfield!" That I chose traditional Dodger minor league teams is a mere coincidence. A good way to make an impression on the visiting target is to start with the AAA team. Then threaten demotion to the lower levels like AA and A ball. Players in the minors who have spent time up in the bigs will do anything to get back. But players in the bigs who are on the bubble are not looking forward to minor league hassles and minuscule salaries due to falling from grace.

How To Heckle - Doing Your Homework

One of the categories of heckling is the target player's personal performance. They might be in a slump, for example, so knowing that will help generate heckling material. Watching the box scores every day can be a great tool. Let's say Detroit is coming in next week. Watch their box scores to see what each player is doing. If your target is 0 for his last 15, or if he makes a game losing error in Anaheim prior to flying into your hometown, you'll know about it. Reminding him of his recent failures is a good way to get at his inner psyche and cause him to lose again.

How To Heckle - Categories of Heckling

There are four basic subjects in heckling. The first is general heckling of a player. Things like "you suck" or "you're a bum". The second is a personally pointed heckling. Using things unique to that player, but still in a general sense. These two subjects cross over and are blurred in distinction. Each player wears a uniform, and with a number, and has a name. One can heckle using the player's name, like, "hey, Smith, you suck!" in a general sense or in a more specific sense like, "hey, Smith, your baseball card is blank on the back!"

The third is being specific with a player's performance. "Hey, Smith, you popped up so many times yesterday, your new nickname is 'The Toaster!'" The fourth is dealing with a player's personal life. Tabloid news junk, bizarre family stuff, drug problems, trouble with the law, bad blood in the clubhouse, etc. Heckler beware here. For example, back in the 80's when Luis Polonia was caught with a fifteen year old girl in a Milwaukee hotel room, a favorite heckling line of mine was, "Hey, Polonia, fifteen'll getcha twenty!"

How To Heckle - Different Reasons For Heckling

There are different reasons for heckling opposing players. One is to make other fans laugh. Another is to set yourself up as one who will regularly heckle. Yet another is to encourage others - even many others - to heckle as well, so that group heckling can occur. But the underlying idea behind all of it is to make the atmosphere as uncomfortable as possible for the visiting player (within reasonable limits), so that his performance is lessened. This adds real meaning to the term, "home field advantage." Fans doing what they can to help their team win is a mark of good fans.

How To Heckle - Getting Started

The first thing you need to start heckling is a voice. A loud voice. Yell. Yell loud. You will lose your voice before the end of the game, but over time you'll hopefully learn to pace yourself and yell "from the diaphragm" (just like singing) and maximize the decibels of sound to strain on the vocal chords ratio. A well trained bleacher bum yelling voice can yield nine innings per game of yelling over a 162 game season. Maybe a few days off for a bad cold, etc., just like being a player.

The best phrases to start with are, "You suck!" and "You're a bum!" These are standard and most people will laugh at least a little bit at these. It's best to use an identifier, like the player's name or uniform number. "Hey, Smith. You're a bum!" or "Hey, 39, you're a bum!"

How To Heckle - An Online Blog Tutorial Series

I've decided to take all my favorite heckling sayings, subjects and methods and turn them into a tutorial. Learn for yourself how to heckle and what to say while doing it. But whatever you do, don't try this at home. Take it to the ballpark.

More to follow soon.